Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in kira's LiveJournal:

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Friday, February 25th, 2005
4:57 pm	hehe..bored You Belong in 1975 1975 If you scored... 1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in! 1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too. 1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all! 1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day. 1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good! What Year Do You Belong In? Current Mood: crappy Current Music: who i am-3 doors down (Comment on this)
Wednesday, February 23rd, 2005
1:25 pm	so tonight its only u and me ugh im sittin here...in gym takin sum stuipid survey, ugh i feel really bad, i hung up on john last night cuz i got ticked off and well um i raelly regret it right now...and i cant set hte record straight cuz hes ona field trip...ugh just ugh and i feel lyke crying. why is it tht i always hurt the ppl tht i love the most? UGH...UGH....UGH...hopefully ill get thru 2 him b4 he leaves 2 go home and give him a big hug and kiss and pray 2 god hes not mad at me...l.i really miss him 2day. i realize how fuckin lonely i am and how much his smile makes a difference in my world...i missed that so much. his hugs and kisses set my world on fire, wat would i do w.o him? ugh i jus wish i coulda thought of htis sooner...IM SUCHA DUMBASS! ugh update later hopefully with better news Current Mood: anxious Current Music: who i am~3 doors down (Comment on this)
Tuesday, February 22nd, 2005
3:15 pm	and when the walls come crashing down, will u still hold me tight? to say the least....i feel like shit...i keep contemplating some real heavy shit.. a couple ppl noe wat tht is..but i think i may go with my original expiration date. i dunno. im so confused. i wanna b happy and i want ppl 2 love me. if someone just fuckin lyke held me all day then mayb id feel better but i noe thts not gunan happen...im scared of life, im scared of the future, im scared i have no future...but whom can i trust with allthis? i dont knoe...i dun feel lyke gettin locked up, tht'll nly push me further. ugh. i give up on me, i feel lyke breaking down, i jus cut myself and its bleeding really hard, it stings like all hell. ugh. neway 2day im doin nuhting but sittin round moppin, contemplating and watever else i can think of...2mrw...again nothing....so yeah. im real loved. ugh ima run i needa vent a bit..peace- Current Mood: suicidal Current Music: "swallow the knife"-story of the year (Comment on this)
Monday, February 21st, 2005
11:59 am	everythings all wrong here...who the hell did i think i was? um yeh i had a very intersting morning, i woke john up at 8 30 ;) hehe. not feelin too hot right now kinda lyke skid off a road and yeh i dont feel so good right now. ummm today im jus tryn 2 figure out all of my homework and crap i have 2 finish in order to go out this weekend and next week! mah bdays in officially 2 weeks and 1 day! hehehe yeay! so im excited bout tht...partaaay. ok im gunan go sleep and rest i dun feel good...update later...peace Current Mood: sick Current Music: "together" Avril lavigne (Comment on this)
Friday, February 11th, 2005
5:50 pm	now this is me talking about how i feel... i can neva express myslf in words my emotions...wen i want 2 cry...i get angry, wen im happy, inside im sighing, i jus dun noe wat da hell is wrong wit me. its lyke im searching 4 an answer 2 myslf tht i dun even noe exsists, and if it does, will it help me pull myslf 2getha. i cant stand these constant cycles....i wake up everyday not noeing wat 2 expect...its so freggin agitating. i jus wanna b normal and not have 2 wry about shyt, but not matta wat i say or do i still manage 2 fuck things over...UGH.im really grateful for all da ppl tht have been there 4 me and put up wit me...really they do have 2 fucking put up with me...i hate myself...i hate how fucked up i am, i hate me! ugh. everyhting is jus weighin me down, school is dragging, im starting 2 lack off again and im jus tryn 2 get myslf bak up. im trying so hard...i keep seeing the light at the end of the tunnel then i keep falling bak into darkness. FUCKING GODDAMN DEPRESSION! I WANT IT 2 STOP NOW! NOW!~!!!! NOWWWWWWWWWWW! ugh. i hate waking up crying, i hate gettin sad 4 no reason, i hate hurting ppl i love and i jus hate fucking everyhting up. it fucking suxs...i go 2 school smiling, i try 2 4get vrything, im gettin medical help and yes its sumwat helping but i needa get all of this crap out of me! six fucking years of all of this shit consumed and im just startin 2 feel better. its really difficult, and i freak myslf out cuz wen i start 2 give up, i start gettin suicidal and ufgh. i noe tht i do it, i mean i literally watch myslf crash but i dont stop it. the physcologist sayd its normal 2 feel sad cuz of da med imbalances but jesus how long do i havfta wait b4 it stops? i jus wanna b happy and live my life the full 100% and not hate myslf, and not fuck evrything up and jus not b the fucking person tht i c in da mirror. im fucking awful and i wanna change i wanna do so much UGH. im jus bein dragged down by everyhitng...its amazing wat 1 woman can do 2 fuck u up 4 da rest or ure life...the physcologist also sayd the "my disease is 1 i will never get rid of but i can live a perfectly normal life" chya ok try fitting into my shoes. im carrying all this fucking weight, all these fucking burdens, all this guilt, all this hurt, all the anxiety, sadness, anger, hate, and somewhere in the midst of all tht is the part of me i once had....the girl tht could fucking smile in the middle of a thunderstorm, the girl tht would cry...in joy and love not in sorrow. sumwhere theres the me tht im searching 4, not this depressed wreck. the physcologist sayd im really mature 4 my age, she sayd i had an old soul, i can grasp the reality of my wrongdoings, and the reprocussions but i cant figure out the remedy even tho i can diagnose myslf w/o noeing a cure. being self analytical can b good but i take it 2 an extreme, 2 the point where i bring myslf down 2 feel worthy of nobody or nething...ill figure it out i jus dun wanna ne1 2 give up on me, i jus want ppl 2 understand tht im trying...so hard. even the simpled hugs make me feel lyke im worth while...isnt tht sad?i noe i should validate myslf in otha ppls eyes and i dont, i jus need love and support...ive neva really had tht mayb thts y im so damn clingy? hhmm dunoooo....ugh neway weekend plans are im goin up 2 new york city 10am 2mrw, goin 2 nbc studios....SAT. NIGHT LIVE! seeing lion king on broadway, goin out 2 ice cream, then sleeping in da 1st presby. church of NYC singin in da morning, then lpaying mr. carters famous simon says game....IM GOING 2 WIN THIS YEAR! I WAS SO DAMN CLOSE LAST YEAR! lol so yeh tht'll b fun nd itll help me get my mind away from everything thts goin on. john decided 2 take me now so im really relieved kinda feel bad but ugh i dun need nemore guilt tripish feelings right now, i feel like shit as it is...he also gave me this beautiful carnation, it really made my day....made me smile :). valentines days on monday i got johns present hehehe 0:). igh ima go finish packing then lay down...not feeling 2 hot mentally and physically....adios Current Mood: blah Current Music: when u say nuttin at all~ronan keating (Comment on this)
5:42 pm	sum stuff i was writing......poems and crap The words, the words, what was he saying? I could not hear him, his words clocked my senses in darkness, but not my pain. The words of anger, uttered with frightening diction and precision. If only I could hear. Oh, my ear, why did his words not fall upon my ears and dribble through my brain? I could only hear pain. I could imagine that voice. Such dirty words, such a clean cut sound, tickling down my face, across my neck. Make me pure, make me clean What words veiled in beauty destroy me? He tried to slit my will and break my words with his. the words that I could not hear did not leave a shattered mind lying in a pool of blood. I'm the thing that you hate the one you loath like a gapping wound i bleed through your bones your blood will run cold as you look in the mirror see me now, cuz thats your terror I'm what nightmares are made of and i'll always be there hiding in you, seeping through the artificiality that is you hollow chest, vacent eyes laying in the grass with the flies buzzing in, buzzing out decaying now, there is no doubt left to rot all alone an orphan with no home tears have fallen, now their dry looking unblinking at the night's sky stars and moon, they both shine bright giving life to the souls flight free from danger and deceit shes standing now not on her feet looking down on the lifeless vessel tired and used broken and bruised smiling now cuz shes departed from a life that shouldn't have started Current Mood: content Current Music: warmth of blood trickling (Comment on this)
5:36 pm	its time 4 me 2 give up! Im halfway to nowhere, am I almost there? can you see it in the distance? or is it just me. Im halfway to nowhere, when will I arrive? I never stopped to think that I may be stuck in time. Im halfway to nowhere, Im stuck inside this place, im in another time, another realm, another space. Im halfway to nowhere, im starting to lose hope. The end is never comming, my initative has broke. Im halfway to nowhere, can you even tell; that im painting a picture, a picture of this hell. Stuck forever in this place, I think I wont survive. I'll be nowhere till forever, until the end of time. Im halfway to nowhere, am I almost there? can you see it in the distance... Or is it just me? Confusion circles empty thoughts, obeying orders from shallow pools- drowning in each word of forgiveness, for liking, laughing, loving. Too much. Trickling down the deathly landslide, watery graves of songs. Singing. We find beauty in the simplest things, but shapes distort and fragment images. The change of everything you admired, crumbling into palms of hope. When i capture thoughts to control, Reasoning escapes, and runs away- Taking away the prosperity, the life. Misty confusion is in my destined eyes, grey doom like decaying lies. Falling.I see them. Everywhere. Need to feel with lifeless hands, flowers opening to the sun's sin- to burn each petal, the desire kills me. Current Mood: lost Current Music: the sound of a razor (Comment on this)
Thursday, February 10th, 2005
7:28 pm	"neva thought id say im sry, neva thought id b da 1 2 bring ya down" ugh,well shit has been nuts....just ugh. john decided 2 go wit his friend 2 mill ball instead of me WELL FUCK YOU. ugh. suicide sounds lyke a really pretty word wen u say it but wen u do it it has a whole different effect....ive been contemplating and daydreaming often wondering 2 myslf wat itd b lyke 2 die? where would we go? wat would we do? would i go 2 hell 4 taking my owbn life...or better yet...is there really god, and does he care tht im bleeding? hmmm... Current Mood: suicidal Current Music: fallen (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, February 7th, 2005
2:04 pm	i am broken but i will not bleed eh things r gettin betta, after me nd john had lyke 2 huge ass fights i think shyts gettin better...its a huge relief! my aunt died so i hadda run up 2 syracuse nd ugh it was all sad and shyt....i got drunk last night and it felt GOOOOOOOOOD. crap at home is fucking insane my stepmoms still flippin, fist fights still dun stop....guess its typical...and on top of vything else....IM TIRED! ugh i need a hug right now! so yeh i jus hope shyt can stay ok and not slip down again cuz i mean jesus christ im fucking scaring myslf wit all this suicidal shit....ugh neway ill updte l8tr tiff is poking me...peace (Comment on this)
Sunday, January 30th, 2005
8:51 am	i am special....w/o hesitation wow, yesterday was really just WOW. after me nd john's huge ass fight tht we had, we made ends meet nd now we're bak 2getha :). thank god. omfg i was sooooo sad... i ono wat i woulda done w.o him it woulda really suxd. our anniversary is 2mrw (4months) lol its awesome!im jus wakin up gettin ready 2 go 2 church so ill update l8tr...peaces "someday well noe cuz love can move a mountain, someday well noe y da sky is blue, sumday well noe y i was meant 4 u,sumday well noe wat da wind says wen she cries, im swingin by da place tht i met u..4 da 97th time 2nite, someday well noe y" Current Mood: chipper Current Music: "someday we'll know" mandy moore (Comment on this)
Monday, January 24th, 2005
1:15 pm	'these scattered words and empty thoughts" life is kinda nuts right now...i ono wats goin on wit mah bf...and i miss him...im lyke braking down lately 4 no reason so yeh shyts kinda fucked up...im seein a physcologist and my physciatrist put me on another med 4 depression on top of mah otha 1 4 bipolar...yeay.! ufgh...update l8tr peace Current Mood: crushed Current Music: "i still believe"~jeremy Camp (Comment on this)
Wednesday, January 19th, 2005
10:41 am	just hold me close to you... effer im at field trip at the new cherry hill library "doing research" hehe chya watever...:). lotsa crap goin on...to start my parents nd i r at each others throats, im on more meds and blah shit fucking suxs ass. john nd i r still 2getha but john steiner from mt lrl called me up nd sayd he missed me...UFGH! it like took me almst a yr 2 get ova him nd nows hes like calling me nonstop!!! UFHG.! neway ill update l8tr..peace Current Mood: contemplative Current Music: "im just a kid" (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 29th, 2004
5:04 pm	all these nights left alone nuthin 2 much jus chillin up here in freehold...watching and holfing the baby (((sooo cute))) lol. yerp ill updatel8tr cuz im goin out 4 dinner<3 Current Mood: artistic Current Music: i"im just a kid" (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 28th, 2004
4:20 pm	"you are beautiful no matter what they say" i had a "crash day" today. i got really down with everything going on at home and with seth. i know i shouldnt let it get to me but it does...my mom called me 4 da first time since like august and she wants 2 see me..wel im not really sure how i should take it? i mean i havent seen her in long its like i dont even know who she is anymore...so yeah. i called john in like a complete mess and he just talked 2 me until i felt better, god it feels so good 2 kno tht sum1 cares. bcuz lately ive jus felt so down and i dun kno how 2 bring mah slf bak up...but im trying. im not going to wuss out or give up...im alot stronger of a person than tht. ive been thru worse situations and i kno i can handle it but y cant i have a break from being sad? ugh. i dont know i guess ill have 2 do sum more soul searching 2 get rid of my depression...i hope. i need prayers...guess i just gotta keep holding on... Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: "beautiful"christina Aquilera (Comment on this)
Friday, December 24th, 2004
3:24 pm	are u feeling lyke ure on da brink of spillinf sum red in the sink? too much fuckin goin on....2 much arguing....its supposed 2 b xmas! mah stepmom is being a whore constantly fucking freaking out, threatening 2 leave..all the works. i cant b wit mah bf, hes goin thru shit too... mah life is just really fkd over right now, i was like cryin all night its suxs cuz i have nowhere 2 hide nowhere 2 cry i jus feel so empty and alone right now. i jus want things 2 b okay again but even mah dad sayd they wouldnt. i got ina huge fight wit him last night too. and mah stepmom is sittin there talkin all this shyt about me sayin tht she hates me nd wants 2 kill me...hah merry fucking christmas! and again...im sittin here alone with my tears with noone holding me bak from letting go... Current Mood: depressed Current Music: "heres too the night"~eve6 (Comment on this)
Tuesday, December 21st, 2004
4:01 pm	"so if i call will u b there?" um yeah today was fucking crazy! i heard from seth nd well hes all fucking pissed at me and UGH! i jus got bak from north carolina...hahah...great fun! and 2mrw is gunan b gr8t....in house field trip...YEAY! movies until the end of da day and hopefuly i can chill wit john after school...mah cousins r cummin in 2nite rouns lyke 11pm so this week is gunan b kinda nutso! and to add 2 vrything else john's gettin all up mah ass cuz he wants 2 kno wat i want 4 xmas....i jus wanna b loved! hahaaaa easy gift i mean com'on! oh well i better go finish this paper only 2 days left of school.....SCORE! Current Mood: crazy Current Music: "into the west"~lord of da rings soundtrack (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, December 10th, 2004
4:06 pm	"this time all i want is you" ugh i hadda pretty shitass day...me nd john got ina huge ass fight inda hallway...i was pretty pissed...i started freakin out. it was jus 2 much on mah plate all at once. oh well. we're cool now but god i felt so bad after it was lyke "um wat the fuck did i jus do?" he has alot goin on in his life nd tht was basically da last thing he needed was me bitchin at him...ugh i feel so bad!the day kinda draaaged on...we had the army recuiter commin in ROTC na di gave him mah info 2 contact me about joining...so yeah. 8th pd i went 2 chorus and almost fell of da riser, they put me at da top cuz im tall nd ima soprano...god damn me and mah high voice!!! lol. i literally almost fuckin fel over wen we all started swayin nd clappin our hands lol it was pretty funny. so to add it all up, i have practice (guitar) 2nite nd i didnt review any of mah shit. gr8! nd im havin otha probs at home and ugh mah world is kinda crashing again...so yeah, guess i jus gotta roll wit da punches and learn not 2 worry so much...hah yeah right me? NOOOO! BLAH! ok im done ranting...peace Current Mood: melancholy Current Music: "rockabye"~goo goo dolls (Comment on this)
Thursday, December 9th, 2004
5:39 pm	"the gun's at my head, but i cant pull the trigger" really long day, had detention, made up a test, im extremely stressed out. worried about john too, hes sad and i wish to god i could take it all away and make him happy....ugh! mah world is kinda trying 2 balance itself out, but it cant. we had a recruiter in ROTC from da air force....very interesting....::coughs::: FUUUCK! im sleeping this off...nitey nite im exhausted! <3 Current Mood: irritated Current Music: laguna beach~5years (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Wednesday, December 8th, 2004
5:49 pm	ure just taking my life away extremely stressful day! uniform day...i couldnt hug and or kiss any1 till 230..ugh~! mah wold hist. teacher gave me detention 2mrw cuz i didnt hand in sum gayass thing in...and i have 2 make up a test and make up a billion other things 2 get myslf bak on track...i jus cant do it! UGH! mah dad wants 2 give me more lectures on how fk*d up me nd mah life is! lol i jus dun kno wat 2 say nemore...Dan couldnt get me so i hung out wit tiff nd a buncha otha ppl and i joined TSA and got mah HomeRoom switched 2 A4 so yeah tht was cool. me nd tiff wer singin "i got a lovely buncha cocunuts" all thru da hallway and past da drill team (OoOops) lol. mwahahaaa! tryn 2 make plans 4 da wknd 2 c if i can get wit ne of mah mt lrl crew since i have seen any of them basically since i moved in August so whoo hoot to me! ugh bak 2 da drawing bored and lotsa more studyn....spanish, science, world hist...all in the few hrs tht r left in da day! and did i mention? I HAVE CHIOR 2NITE! -1 hr...oh shit i also have a an alg2 test 2 study for FUUUCKKKK! peace ima def. out! Current Mood: aggravated Current Music: "rooftops"~Mest (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Monday, December 6th, 2004
3:59 pm	we put the past away happy monday, nm still feel lyke shit! studyin 4 espanol and science shit...fuuun fun! 2mrw i gotta go 2 a funeral ;( there always soo sad! neway had a decent day (meaning it went by quicker than expected). spanish was gay, i hate mr. yanover! science we just did nuthin cept 4 sum review game which i slept thru, rotc was eh ok, watched a movie and slept sum more, i had 2 chorus pds which im glad took over my math class instead of english!history we had sum sub tht was discussing boring ass politics and i fell asleep again, after being reallly hyper. im trying 2 prove my theory on the fact tht i have n ass 2 john-subnote- (not mah bf john)- yeah he dun think i have n ass, I DO!!! omg vry1 knos it lol. hes go ta fkn washboard booootay and he says i aint got da ass! HMMMPH! lol. bbl gunna go sleep! Current Mood: groggy Current Music: "i want something else"~third eye blind (1 Comment |Comment on this)